Knowing is half the journey

Over the past couple of weeks I have been doing a lot of going here and there to get tests done for my WSL.  I knew all of this had to be done , what I didn't know is all the information I would get from it would be emotionally overwhelming to learn, yet empowering at the same time. 

I learned that I do have sleep apnea.  Having this means I'm "sick" in some way and no one wants anything wrong with them.  So I will have to go back in March, or earlier if there's a cancellation, and do a study with a c-pap machine 😥.  Boo to being sick....but looking forward to hopefully feeling rested when I wake up in the mornings.  

What I was not really prepared for was my psychological evaluation.   I thought I was going to be there for a short interview, be done and get my clearance for surgery.  WRONG!   I had to do an Eating disorder survey and a personality survey equaling over 400 questions.   

I had known for years that  I wasn't "normal" when it came to how I felt about myself and I knew why for the most part...but I didn't realize it was as bad as the results of the questions showed.  

At 37 years of age I still remember very clearly all the names I've been called through elementary school, middle school, and college.   How I've been treated by others or other negative comments that have been said about me because of my weight.  Just to name a few:

• pork chop
• thunder thighs
• chicken nugget

*interesting how they use food as put downs for a fat kid.  

I was always the heavier girl growing up and was self conscious with my friends.    I even recall a nurse yelling at me a the doctor's office for how much I weighed.  She was so loud the people in the waiting area heard her.  I was mortified and was the beginning of hating going to any doctor's office.  

As a result of all the picking on, disregard for privacy, being used, mistreated, etc....I have become very guarded and have a hard time trusting people.   I also have very low self-esteem, and don't do well in social situations and feel lonely quite often (even if I'm surrounded by people).  Many other issues were discovered as well.   

This knowledge shook me, but knowledge is power.   I have the power to choose to be victim or choose to be a VICTOR!   This surgery will help heal my physically, but I have a lot of emotional scars to heal as well.    The doctor suggests I talk to someone to help close those scars, so I am.   

I never said this journey would be easy and there are detours...like going to a therapist.  However, I will come out of this stronger and better.   

If you are reading this, think about how you treat others and how you teach your children to treat others.   It does more damage than you know.  I didn't end up in this situation in a few short months, so I know it will take a long time of hard work and dedication to get in a place I can be comfortable.   Please continue to pray for me during this journey and all I'm about to work through.  Please pray specifically to be open and honest with my therapist, use the tools she gives me, as well as for finances in paying for the tests and my deductible.   

It just got real!

     On Tuesday I had my first surgeon consultation for Weight Loss Surgery (WLS).   I wasn't really sure what to expect.  Nevertheless, I was excited and nervous at the same time.  I had already done most of the paperwork in December and had been to two classes and a seminar, so they had quite a bit of info on me.   The appointment didn't last long...but it came with a bang!
     First I met with the PA and she took some history on me and questions about my cravings, workout habits, etc.   She was super nice.   Then I got to meet with the surgeon.  I had met him at the seminar and talked to him for a few minutes.   There are three surgeons at Rex and all seemed really good and knowledgeable.   I didn't really have a preference of who I met with.  When I scheduled my appointment, I went with the first available, Dr. Sharp.   He was easy to talk to and made me feel comfortable.   Plus, he went to Duke University...LOL     We can't go wrong there right?   
     After speaking with him a few moments he recommended the Duodenal_switch.   He said with my age and BMI (which is over 50 :( ) that this is the best option for me.  His PA said the same thing.  Luckily at the seminar they covered all the types of surgeries, so I knew what was involved.   They are the specialist, so I trust their decision.   
     I mentioned when I would like to have it done, so we both get our calendars out and see what is compatible for us.   Tentatively my surgery will be early April.  
     That being said......I have four weeks to get all of my preliminary testing completed by February 28th (my next doctor appointment).  This includes:

• gallbladder ultrasound
• sleep study
• endoscopy
• lab work
• psych eval
• 2 more educational classes

Praise the Lord...I was able to get it all scheduled and only have to miss 2 days of work for it.   Those days will be busy days....but it has to be done.   

     When I left the doctor's office reality really set it in and I was like...Whoa...this just got real!  Tons of butterflies starting forming and swarming in my stomach.   I know in my heart this is the right decision but it is a major surgery.     I can't wait to see what the future holds and being successful.   I appreciate all the support I've received so far and covet your prayers and support as this journey continues.