Knowing is half the journey

Over the past couple of weeks I have been doing a lot of going here and there to get tests done for my WSL.  I knew all of this had to be done , what I didn't know is all the information I would get from it would be emotionally overwhelming to learn, yet empowering at the same time. 

I learned that I do have sleep apnea.  Having this means I'm "sick" in some way and no one wants anything wrong with them.  So I will have to go back in March, or earlier if there's a cancellation, and do a study with a c-pap machine 😥.  Boo to being sick....but looking forward to hopefully feeling rested when I wake up in the mornings.  

What I was not really prepared for was my psychological evaluation.   I thought I was going to be there for a short interview, be done and get my clearance for surgery.  WRONG!   I had to do an Eating disorder survey and a personality survey equaling over 400 questions.   

I had known for years that  I wasn't "normal" when it came to how I felt about myself and I knew why for the most part...but I didn't realize it was as bad as the results of the questions showed.  

At 37 years of age I still remember very clearly all the names I've been called through elementary school, middle school, and college.   How I've been treated by others or other negative comments that have been said about me because of my weight.  Just to name a few:

• pork chop
• thunder thighs
• chicken nugget

*interesting how they use food as put downs for a fat kid.  

I was always the heavier girl growing up and was self conscious with my friends.    I even recall a nurse yelling at me a the doctor's office for how much I weighed.  She was so loud the people in the waiting area heard her.  I was mortified and was the beginning of hating going to any doctor's office.  

As a result of all the picking on, disregard for privacy, being used, mistreated, etc....I have become very guarded and have a hard time trusting people.   I also have very low self-esteem, and don't do well in social situations and feel lonely quite often (even if I'm surrounded by people).  Many other issues were discovered as well.   

This knowledge shook me, but knowledge is power.   I have the power to choose to be victim or choose to be a VICTOR!   This surgery will help heal my physically, but I have a lot of emotional scars to heal as well.    The doctor suggests I talk to someone to help close those scars, so I am.   

I never said this journey would be easy and there are detours...like going to a therapist.  However, I will come out of this stronger and better.   

If you are reading this, think about how you treat others and how you teach your children to treat others.   It does more damage than you know.  I didn't end up in this situation in a few short months, so I know it will take a long time of hard work and dedication to get in a place I can be comfortable.   Please continue to pray for me during this journey and all I'm about to work through.  Please pray specifically to be open and honest with my therapist, use the tools she gives me, as well as for finances in paying for the tests and my deductible.