I don't see what you see...but I'm trying!

Let me begin that I am not writing this to seek compliments or hear positive things about myself.  I just wanted to be honest with you about how I feel and what I'm experiencing.  

It has been very humbling and overwhelming to hear all the compliments and comments on the weight I have lost so far.   I do my best to say thank you and smile when I receive compliments because I know people are being sincere and are truly happy for me.  I am happy too that I'm getting healthy and losing weight.  

I have lost

• 40 pounds
• 23+ inches
• Almost 2 pant sizes

However, when I look in the mirror I don't see me as "skinny" or "a whole new person".   I have a hard time getting past the stomach rolls, thick thighs, flabby arms, etc.  

A few weeks ago, the scale had stopped moving and didn't move for 2.5 weeks.  When you have lost a pound almost every day for a month and then it stops, your little world kind of shatters and a bit of depression sets in.  I was following the meal plan and moving as much as I could.   I didn't understand what was wrong but I wasn't liking it.  Come to find out I was having a STALL.  I don't like stalls!

After those 2.5 weeks I finally started losing and lost 7 pounds in one week.  I know there will be ups and downs in this journey and I keep learning as I go.  I know that when I hit a stall again I am fine and to keep following and trusting the process.  

I know I am a work in progress and I will soon see what you all see in me.  Just be patient with me and don't take offense if I look at you weird when you say awesome things about me....it just something I'm not used to and haven't been for years.  Like I said..it's a journey.  

Now on the Flip Side

Wow!   I can't believe I'm almost two weeks post op.   Time surely has gone by a lot faster than I thought it would.    

God has been beyond good to me during this recovery time.    I just can't stop praising Him for it!   There have been no complications and pain has been very minimal.   Your prayers have been felt every day and I am so grateful for them.   

I was very worried that I would have a hard time sipping slowly and not taking too much in...but my stomach took care of that for me.    For almost a week and a half, I did not feel hungry AT ALL.   So when I drank it was very little at a time.    Luckily my OCD self kept a list of when I took my meds, drank anything (including the time and when I finished) .   This helped me to know if it had been too long when I drank anything or took my medicine.   Something I looked forward to was having yogurt and sugar free pudding because I hadn't eaten for two weeks before surgery, still I waited a week after surgery to try any.   When I did...it was sooo good.   I just would have never thought that it would take me almost 2 hours to eat a container of yogurt...before surgery  it would take me 5 minutes...tops.   That is one of the major changes I notice...the time it takes to eat food and how QUICKLY I get full.  

Just  yesterday I was able to finally eat something that was cooked 😊 , an EGG!   I was so excited. I haven't had anything cooked in a whole month.   It was the best thing I've had!  I can now slowly start introducing puree style foods for the next two weeks.   Things like applesauce, cottage cheese, refried beans, ricotta cheese, etc.   On day two, I'm not sure how my stomach is liking the food.   I need to remember to eat slowly  and CHEW CHEW CHEW!   This is a learning process!  

I go back to work on Monday and concerned about getting tired easily and remembering to drink plenty of water through the day.   I will have to remind myself to take it easy and sit when needed.   

During my two week pre-op diet I lost 17 lbs and during post op (12 days) I have lost 11 lbs bringing me to a total of 28 lbs GONE FOREVER!   

I'm excited to see how this journey continues and I'm remembering to take it day by day!   

Ooooh ooooh halfway there......oooh oooh living on a prayer!

Phew....I have made it one week into my liquid diet!   It was only 7 days but it was a long journey.   Was it hard...YES...but definitely doable.  There is no way I could have done it without the support of my family, friends, and co-workers.   So many people were praying for me this week and I surely felt it.   God was carrying me every day, every meal, and through every hunger pain and headaches.  

I have discovered about myself this week:

• I am able to say no to food.   My students wanted to share their food and candy with me all week (they didn't know until Friday about my surgery).  I got Easter treats through out the week, including candy, pizza (my favorite), and donuts.  
• It's okay not to eat while so many others around you are eating.   I had to take my students to lunch and eat with them every day in the cafeteria.   WORST NIGHTMARE...SURROUNDED BY FOOD!   All of my co-workers were eating pizza and donuts during a staff meeting.  Key to that....always have your protein shake with you!   
• When you know what the end goal is and getting off track can keep you from getting there.....you will do anything to do the right thing!  I know I need this surgery for a better life of health.   

I am proud of myself for making it through this week and staying committed when so many temptations came my way.  During this week I lost 11 pounds. It wasn't through my works or will power...Only God gave it to me.   I am one step closer to my body being the temple He wants it to be.  

Continue to pray for me...I still have one more week to go!!

It's the final countdown!

      Yesterday I began the hard part of this journey.  Two weeks of nothing but liquids,and one protein bar a day.   My diet will consist of 3-5 protein drinks/shakes and one ketojenix (sp) bar, and no caffiene 😢 We do this for different reasons:

1. reduce the size of our liver
2. reduce the size of our belly fat
1. It gives the doctor a better view when operating
3. To help get us in the habit of liquids the first 2 weeks after surgery.   We'll be like a baby training our new stomachs.  

Day 1 wasn't too bad until I had to go to Sam's to get some protein shake and there was food everywhere.  Then there's nothing but food on social media.  I may have to take a vacation from that too...at least for a few days until I get a better grip on it.  

That was my food journal for yesterday....I added an extra shake at the end of the day so my total calories were 867 and protein was 146 g.  

Today I'm not feeling so hot.  A dull headache that won't go away and no energy.  Just blah feeling.   I'm hoping this doesn't last all 2 weeks.  My nutritionist said the first 48 hours are the hardest...so only 14 hours to go 😬

I will check in later on in the week and let you know how I'm doing and how much weight I lost week one.   Pray for me to have endurance and to fight temptations that come my way! 

Say Hello to My Little Friend

     Last night I gained a new bed fellow....my CPAP mask.   It was not easy sleeping with this over my nose.   It took me a while to get used to it, but I finally fell asleep somehow. The technician kept talking about how small my nose was and had to get a small and extra small size.  (The only time I'll probably only wear an extra small.   Even with losing weight..I don't want to be that small. )  
   I learned that the last time I had my sleep study I stopped breathing over 250 times , my oxygen stats got as low as 65%.   When you get to below 90% is bad.   So no wonder I would wake up and be ready to go back to bed shortly after waking up.  
   It will take a week or so to get the machine ordered and prepped.  In some strange way, I'm looking forward to getting it so I can see if it will help me feeling better and have more energy.  To be honest, I'm tired of being tired.  

Keep me in your prayers during this stage of the journey!  Also pray that I hear from the insurance company soon.   It's coming close to the 15 day mark.  

Knowing is half the journey

Over the past couple of weeks I have been doing a lot of going here and there to get tests done for my WSL.  I knew all of this had to be done , what I didn't know is all the information I would get from it would be emotionally overwhelming to learn, yet empowering at the same time. 

I learned that I do have sleep apnea.  Having this means I'm "sick" in some way and no one wants anything wrong with them.  So I will have to go back in March, or earlier if there's a cancellation, and do a study with a c-pap machine 😥.  Boo to being sick....but looking forward to hopefully feeling rested when I wake up in the mornings.  

What I was not really prepared for was my psychological evaluation.   I thought I was going to be there for a short interview, be done and get my clearance for surgery.  WRONG!   I had to do an Eating disorder survey and a personality survey equaling over 400 questions.   

I had known for years that  I wasn't "normal" when it came to how I felt about myself and I knew why for the most part...but I didn't realize it was as bad as the results of the questions showed.  

At 37 years of age I still remember very clearly all the names I've been called through elementary school, middle school, and college.   How I've been treated by others or other negative comments that have been said about me because of my weight.  Just to name a few:

• pork chop
• thunder thighs
• chicken nugget

*interesting how they use food as put downs for a fat kid.  

I was always the heavier girl growing up and was self conscious with my friends.    I even recall a nurse yelling at me a the doctor's office for how much I weighed.  She was so loud the people in the waiting area heard her.  I was mortified and was the beginning of hating going to any doctor's office.  

As a result of all the picking on, disregard for privacy, being used, mistreated, etc....I have become very guarded and have a hard time trusting people.   I also have very low self-esteem, and don't do well in social situations and feel lonely quite often (even if I'm surrounded by people).  Many other issues were discovered as well.   

This knowledge shook me, but knowledge is power.   I have the power to choose to be victim or choose to be a VICTOR!   This surgery will help heal my physically, but I have a lot of emotional scars to heal as well.    The doctor suggests I talk to someone to help close those scars, so I am.   

I never said this journey would be easy and there are detours...like going to a therapist.  However, I will come out of this stronger and better.   

If you are reading this, think about how you treat others and how you teach your children to treat others.   It does more damage than you know.  I didn't end up in this situation in a few short months, so I know it will take a long time of hard work and dedication to get in a place I can be comfortable.   Please continue to pray for me during this journey and all I'm about to work through.  Please pray specifically to be open and honest with my therapist, use the tools she gives me, as well as for finances in paying for the tests and my deductible.   

It just got real!

     On Tuesday I had my first surgeon consultation for Weight Loss Surgery (WLS).   I wasn't really sure what to expect.  Nevertheless, I was excited and nervous at the same time.  I had already done most of the paperwork in December and had been to two classes and a seminar, so they had quite a bit of info on me.   The appointment didn't last long...but it came with a bang!
     First I met with the PA and she took some history on me and questions about my cravings, workout habits, etc.   She was super nice.   Then I got to meet with the surgeon.  I had met him at the seminar and talked to him for a few minutes.   There are three surgeons at Rex and all seemed really good and knowledgeable.   I didn't really have a preference of who I met with.  When I scheduled my appointment, I went with the first available, Dr. Sharp.   He was easy to talk to and made me feel comfortable.   Plus, he went to Duke University...LOL     We can't go wrong there right?   
     After speaking with him a few moments he recommended the Duodenal_switch.   He said with my age and BMI (which is over 50 :( ) that this is the best option for me.  His PA said the same thing.  Luckily at the seminar they covered all the types of surgeries, so I knew what was involved.   They are the specialist, so I trust their decision.   
     I mentioned when I would like to have it done, so we both get our calendars out and see what is compatible for us.   Tentatively my surgery will be early April.  
     That being said......I have four weeks to get all of my preliminary testing completed by February 28th (my next doctor appointment).  This includes:

• gallbladder ultrasound
• sleep study
• endoscopy
• lab work
• psych eval
• 2 more educational classes

Praise the Lord...I was able to get it all scheduled and only have to miss 2 days of work for it.   Those days will be busy days....but it has to be done.   

     When I left the doctor's office reality really set it in and I was like...Whoa...this just got real!  Tons of butterflies starting forming and swarming in my stomach.   I know in my heart this is the right decision but it is a major surgery.     I can't wait to see what the future holds and being successful.   I appreciate all the support I've received so far and covet your prayers and support as this journey continues.